A self-censored chronicle of family court dramas, lived by parents who lost all or some visitation with or custody of a child or children based on perjury and/or other false courtroom evidence
We here at Fathers Supporting Fathers of Florida are here to
support and help guide fathers through the hard times associated with fathers
rights and to help make changes in the laws of Florida to help get more rights
to fathers. We truly believe in EQUAL PARENTING. Every child deserves the right
to have a father and every father deserves the right to be just as involved in
their child’s life as the mother does. We are here to see the best interest of
the child and their rights.
Parental alienation occurs when a parent consciously or unconsciously attempts to brainwash, or otherwise influence a child’s memories, perceptions, feelings, and relationship toward the other parent in a negative, unhealthy, selfish, or destructive way.
And this kind of behavior is repulsive enough.
But one of the most extreme, and increasingly popular forms of parental alienation arising in custody cases today involves the false allegations sexual or physical abuse against a child in divorce action.
And there is a reason for this: it’s a fast and easy way to get your parenting rights terminated and create unhealthy separation between you and your children during a divorce, even as court-ordered child-support keeps flowing.
Of Course, this is why within professional circles, false allegations of sexual abuse in a divorce action are commonly referred to as :The Nuclear Option.
Because with one simple, fraudulent allegation, your divorce opponent can not only inflict massive damage to your relationship with your children, but can completely destroy your life as well.
Please help by making a small donation to the Legal Representation Fund of Zoraya and David Inguanzo. An alienated parent and child desperately trying to maintain a meaningful relationship despite unjust court intervention and vexatious and malicious family law litigation by opposing party. 10300 Sunset Drive, Miami, Florida 33173 - 305.270.7796 C/O +Stand Up For Zoraya https://plus.google.com/117921689297670485165/
Recently, I have found myself thinking a lot about the best, and the worst, custodyarrangements for very young children. When I say very young children, I am thinking about infants (aged newborn to roughly 18 months) as well as toddlers (aged 18 months to about 3 years).
Below, I will offer some of my own thoughts about this very important, and it seems, increasingly controversial topic. But at the outset, I want to invite readers to share their experiences about what is working for you, and what isn't; about what custody arrangements you have chosen for your own very young children, and about what schedules were imposed on you by a court, an ex, whoever.
I am looking for your input, because I have been hearing more and more from parents who are very unhappy about parenting plans for their very young children. Mostly, I have been getting emails or telephone calls from parents, usually mothers, who are scared to death that their very young child has been divided - and is being damaged both now and in the long term. I also have heard from other parents, mainly fathers, who are afraid they are being shut out of their very young children's lives - now and for the long run.
There are a lot of complicated psychological, practical, and legal issues involved in custody arrangements for very young children. I will not delve very deeply into the details in this post, or I will end up going on for too long. Look for future posts with more specifics.
Psychologically, the quality of attachment relationships is the main concern about the well-being of very young children. Children form a close bond with those who care for them, usually their parents, in the first year of life (and beyond). The development of attachments is a biologically driven process, one that is observed in other primates, other mammals, and precocial birds. (Think of ducklings swimming in line behind their mother on a pond in springtime.)
Very young children can and do form multiple attachments, including to mothers, fathers, grandparents, nannies, and so on. Still, children have a primary attachment figure, the person they prefer to offer them comfort in times of anxiety or pain. (A daycare worker can comfort a distraught toddler when no parent is available, but given a choice, an 18 month old will run to Mommy - or Daddy.)
Now we are getting to the nub of one controversy. A great deal of psychological research shows that the quality of the primary attachment - particularly whether it is secure or insecure - in very young children predicts the development of various psychological and social problems in the future. (Importantly, attachment is a central concern not only for custody but for other issues like day care, families where both parents are employed for long hours, hospitalized premature infants, incarcerated parents, and a variety of other issues involving parents' relationships with their very young children.)
So in disputed custody cases, parents, lawyers, and various experts can and do end up debating whether a very young child's primary attachment (usually to the mother) is all-important and pretty fragile - or whether their secondary attachment (usually to the father) is just as important and perhaps is being undermined, maybe deliberately, by a doting or vindictive primary attachment figure. Specific questions and debates range from whether babies, or toddlers, should have overnights with their secondary attachment figures to whether parents should share joint physical custody of infants, alternating back and forth every day if necessary.
We must DO something. Stand watch. Speak up. Become involved.
Thus, we the people do hereby declare not only our rights, but do now establish this bill of responsibilities.
1. Because I have the right to choose, I recognize that I am accountable to God and have the responsibility to keep the 10 commandments in my own life.
2. Because I have the right to worship as I choose, I have the responsibility to honor the right of others to worship as they see fit.
3. Because I have freedom of speech, I have the responsibility to defend the speech of others, even if I strongly disagree with what they’re saying.
4. Because I have the right to pursue happiness, I have the responsibility to show humility and express gratitude for all the blessings I enjoy and the rights I’ve been given.
5. Because I have the right to honest and good government I will seek out honest and just representatives when possible. If I cannot find one then I accept the responsibility to take that place.
6. Because I have the God given right to liberty, I have the personal responsibility to have the courage to defend others to be secure in their persons, lives and property.
7. Because I have the right to equal justice, I will stand for those who are wrongly accused or unjustly blamed.
8. Because I have the right to knowledge, I will be accountable for myself and my children’s education…to live our lives in such a way that insures the continuation of truth.
9. Because I have the right to pursue my dreams and keep the fruits of my labor, I have the responsibility to feed, protect and shelter my family, the less fortunate, the fatherless, the old and infirm.
10. Because I have a right to the truth, I will not bear false witness nor will I stand idly by as others do.
Unconditionally, while maintaining my responsibility to compassionately yet fiercely stand against those things that decay the natural rights of all men. And for the support of this declaration, and with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence we mutually pledge to each other our lives, fortunes and sacred honor.
As the American Declaration of Independence clearly states, when in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to band together and collectively declare their rights and responsibilities to which the laws of nature and nature’s God entitle and bind them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should disclose the causes which impel them to such.
Therefore let us declare that we still hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal and are endowed by our creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But with those rights come responsibilities. In order to continually experience life, liberty and happiness as promised, nature’s God demands obedience to His law to protect those rights. This is where we have fallen short and therefore, in order not to lose the blessings of freedom, the people of the world must turn from the sole focus on rights, and recognize the inherent and required responsibilities that we have. Among the responsibilities to which we must adhere to maintain our God given rights are honor, courage and vigilance. Over time, we believe that these basic human responsibilities have been trampled, and replaced with degradation, fear and apathy. But when a long train of abuses of the people and conscience by the media and by other segments of society, pursuing the same path of reducing them to ridicule, scorn and even sub-human status, it is their right, it is their DUTY, to peacefully, but vehemently take a stand. Men want to be king, and the more we concentrate on our rights and the more we are told not to worry about our responsibilities, the more we lose our rights. Just as physics show, for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction. The time has come to declare that at least for the western world human rights are generally accepted and moving in the right direction however a new movement is required a movement of human responsibility. The media, politicians and large institutions both academic and political have been lying to us, and we must demand the truth be told. With that demand, comes the responsibility that we tell the truth first, in ourselves. Too many of us delegate our responsibility to the media…and too many believe there is no personal responsibility at all. Political correctness has polluted our language and clouds our every discussion. What was once accepted as good and right, is now considered bad and evil, and that which was bad and evil is now presented to the world as good and decent. Opposing thoughts or opinions are referred to as crazy, insane, non-factual and utterly without merit. Furthermore, we are told, they should not even be heard. Now, the time has come to take a stand by exhibiting the traits – honor, courage and vigilance. What is honor? It is being honest in all of our dealings. It is showing loyalty and fairness, and being a beacon of integrity in all our beliefs and actions. It is showing respect for others. Ruth honored Naomi when she told her that she would not leave her. That she would go wherever Naomi went, that she would live where Naomi lived and die where Naomi died. Her God would be Naomi’s God. Courage is the ability to face danger, criticism or scorn – not without fear, but while overcoming fear to deal with that which comes our way. When no one else in the Kingdom wanted to face the mighty giant, Goliath, young David was willing. David must have felt fear at the sight of his foe, but overcame it, and courageously vanquished his enemy. Vigilance is being watchful for all forms of treachery and tyranny, lies and deceit. The person in the watchtower, waiting all night, suddenly sounding the alarm that the enemy is coming. The careful observer of the markets and economies who proclaims to the world, all is not well, there is trouble ahead and the outspoken critic of the powerful, going against societies’ grain, warning that all is not as we’re being told. These are the vigilant. We implore all people to stand with these characteristics – honor, courage and vigilance. To that end, we must restore honor in our own lives. Seek after the truth. Declare right now, that no longer will we simply accept what is told us by the media or anyone else. The media has the responsibility to tell the truth, we have the responsibility to learn it. Stand with courage, even if it means the end of our jobs, the end of our positions in life…or even the end of our very lives. We must have the courage to be peaceful, while recognizing the courage to defend and respond to threats and/or attacks when necessary. Turn the other cheek when possible. We must be vigilant. We must think the unthinkable. The holocaust occurred because no one could imagine it, but evil never sleeps, and neither must we. As Edmund Burke said, “all that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”
Written by Dr Tara J.
Palmatier on August 17, 2011
The following article is written by another CrazyBuster veteran: LiliM. Like Micksbabe and Peppy, LiliM also married a man with a high-conflict ex and alienated children.
In her first Shrink4Men article, LiliM offers suggestions on how to navigate the divorce process with a high-conflict ex when children are involved based on her and her husband’s hard won firsthand experiences:
One of the biggest issues people struggle with in dealing with a high-conflict (HCP) ex is when children are part of the equation. It’s hard enough to shed a HCP spouse or partner; when children are involved, it becomes the never-ending trickle of salt into the open wound you’re trying to heal.
As noted in a previous Shrink4Men article, the trick to neutralizing the Crazy is boundaries. For some of us, creating boundaries for ourselves is difficult enough. It becomes hellishly difficult to implement healthy boundaries when there are children to consider.
Why is it so difficult? In many cases, the answer is fear.
HCPs are predators, as Dr T and Micksbabe so aptly identified them. They know the smell of fear. If you have any, they will know it. They might not be the sharpest pencil in the box otherwise, but boy, do they know how to sniff out fear. Then they capitalize on it to the nth degree.
Once you or the HCP decide the marriage or relationship is over, you need to immediately be on your guard. At that point, regardless of what your HCP ex says, you are now the enemy in their mind. Many men are often lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that she seems to be behaving and seems to be thinking and acting rationally at the beginning of the break-up or divorce.
This is when it becomes very important that you start changing the way you see your wife or partner.
She is your wife, for a little bit longer. She is also the mother of your children. That’s a powerful old saw that many high-conflict exes play to the death. My response to these tired old chestnuts is, yes, she is the mother of your children — and heaven help them because she is also the Crazy.
She is the parent who will sow deep gaping trenches into your kids if you don’t create boundaries for yourself and show the kids what a non-Crazy parent looks like. At this point, you are your kids’ best hope for normalcy.
