A self-censored chronicle of family court dramas, lived by parents who lost all or some visitation with or custody of a child or children based on perjury and/or other false courtroom evidence
Kevin Roy, an associate professor at the University of Maryland, is an expert on fatherhood and social policy. His new book, Nurturing Dads, challenges ideas about mainstream fatherhood and discusses ways to encourage meaningful engagement among different kinds of dads and their kids. His conversation with Center Director Julie Drizin follows:
DRIZIN: Why did you and Bill Marsiglio decide to write Nurturing Dads?
ROY: Bill was approached by the Russell Sage Foundation to think about a book on fatherhood and social policy. We’ve been working together for probably about 10 years and we really have been working on this idea of nurturance as being pretty important for fathering. Typically when anyone in social policy or even popular media talks about fathers, its’ a very traditional stereotype. It’s guys who are providing for their kids and residing and married to their partner-- you see that a lot with Father’s Day. You get these very typical images of ties and blah blah. But we know through the work I’ve been doing that men and families and their interaction with kids and family members is so diverse, and really has been changing a lot in the past couple decades.
So what we focus on is nurturance, and that’s the relationship of men with children and families… Providing and residing in marriage and the relationships with mothers and the kids are still important, they don’t go away, but we really thought, here’s a policy book that shows what men are thinking, what they want out of policy and law, which is a way to support their efforts to be nurturing providers or nurturing caregivers really…
As always it is a pleasure and an honor to greet you and thank you for your continuing support as well as to welcome new members of our Facebook Group “Children’s Rights”
It will the second Easter that I cannot spend with my daughter Zoraya thanks to her mother’s unscrupulous, unethical, and delinquent attitude towards parenthood. I, however, forgive her.
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” ~ Mother Theresa
However, my son David, Zoraya’s half-brother, is with me as his mother knows that I have and will always be a great Dad (those are her words). In the meantime I look at the Father’s Day greeting card I received from Zoraya’s mother one year before she was born where she writes that my son David is “lucky” to have me as a father. Just know that I will never give up and will eventually get what I deserve but more importantly, Zoraya will get what she deserves…the opportunity to be with her “Great Dad.”
The following is from from Mr. Jeffries’ website – A FAMILY HEARTBREAK.
A day for alienated children.
How ironic that this year Parental Alienation Awareness Day falls the day after Easter Sunday and right in the middle of Passover — two holidays known for bringing families together.
A day for alienated children
Targeted parents who won’t be with their alienated children on the holidays this year can join other parents and children for the 6th Annual Parental Alienation Awareness Day on April 25. Events are scheduled in communities in 22 different countries. These family-friendly events include local dignitaries reading proclamations supporting parental alienation awareness, information tables and free brochures with details about about local parental alienation support groups and resources, and ”Bubbles of Love,” a synchronized bubble blowing exercise.
Meet Michael McCarty, an American father whose son was kidnapped by his Italian ex-wife. Now engaged in an exhausting transatlantic custody battle, Michael takes a moment to appreciate the beauty of Rome, Italy, albeit bittersweet.
This exclusive clip is part of the Dateline report 'Exclusive Memo #42405185
Divorced Parents: Kids Should Decide Where They Live/Custody
Divorce can be ugly, but it doesn't have to be ugly for the kids.
Parents who are divorcing often get sucked into a nasty competition when it comes to the kids, with each parent vying for custody of the kids. Of course, both parents often want to keep the kids with them, which frequently results in joint custody. Once the arrangement is set, the kids shuffle between Mom's and Dad's respective houses, while the parents often avoid asking the kids what they want to do or with whom they want to live.
Well, the truth is that there are endless misconceptions about divorce and its effect on kids. Many people feel that divorce is psychologically harmful for kids, though the research - and I'm referring to Judith Wallerstein's research, in particular - actually shows that divorce does not harm children over the long-term unless other factors come into play. For example, divorced parents who maintain a bitter relationship post-divorce and talk badly about each other to the kids can cause kids major anxiety and distress. But aside from such instances, there are many things that divorced parents can do to limit the harm caused to the kids.
One thing divorced parents can do is make an ongoing effort to check in with the kids about how they feel about the assigned living arrangements. While children are young (10 years or younger), joint custody can provide an important reminder to the kids that their parents still love them and will both remain a fundamental part of the kids' lives. Yet the problem often starts when the kids get a little older.
Once kids reach the puberty years, they start to have a more active social life. During this time, kids start to develop the beginnings of an adult identity, and they start to make some of their own decisions. As they reach adolescence, kids of divorced parents understandably want more control over their environment, including where and with whom they live. Plus, as kids get older, the homework increases and their extracurricular activities become more involved. In other words, gathering all their stuff (books, notebooks, special articles of clothing, sports equipment, etc.) and dragging everything from one house to the other gets difficult. If a child in this situation doesn't particularly want to live with one of the parents, the child will become resentful and the resentment will manifest in a variety of acting-out behaviors.
If you are a parent who shares joint custody with your ex and your child is approaching the teenage years, set your own feelings and ego aside and ask your child how he or she feels about the living arrangements. Sure, it can be awfully hurtful to give up time with a child you adore, but sometimes letting someone go (a little) is the best way to show your love for them. Most importantly, divorced parents need to remember that the child did not choose for his or her parents to get married or divorced, so they should suffer as little as a possible as a result of the failed relationship.
Ultimately, talk-talk-talk to your child. Give your child a space to say how he or she really feels about the living arrangements, and try not react too emotionally to whatever they say. Though navigating these years can be difficult, the most successful parent-child relationships will always be those where the child feels that his or her feelings are respected.
If it turns out that your child would prefer to live with the other parent, work on developing a compromise that makes your child feel heard and simultaneously allows you to still spend meaningful time with your child. The teenage years are a great time to make an adjustment to the living arrangements, which could include the following: rotating houses in intervals of one or two weeks, as opposed to every few days; one parent having the child during the academic year, while the other has the child during the summer; maintaining the usual plan of 50/50 time during the academic year, but living with only one of the parents during the summer.
Ultimately, the point is to listen to your child, focus more on his or her feelings than your own, and model how to compromise. If you compromise with your child about custody now, you might find twenty years from now that your relationship with your child is stronger because of it.
As a grandparent, do I have the right to visit my grandchild?
Grandparents only have the right to ask for visitation. They do not have a guaranteed right to visit and see their grandchildren. If you currently have a visitation court order, you have the right to have that order enforced.
How do I get to visit my grandchildren?
Every family is different and you know your family best when it comes to deciding how to resolve any family problems. It is recommended to first try to work out visits with the child’s parents. Talk to the parents and tell them you miss your grandchild. You may also try to have a neutral person, such as a mediator, help you with this. Each Family Court in New York City has a mediation program. If you can’t agree or think that you can’t talk about the problem with each other, then go to court and file papers for visitation.
What do I have to show the court in order to have visits with my grandchildren?
You must first show that you have what “standing.” Standing gives you the right to ask for visitation with your grandchild. If one of the parents is deceased, then you have standing to ask for visits without having to show anything else. If both parents are living, you must show that you either have a positive existing relationship with your grandchild but are not allowed to see your grandchild or that the parents have not allowed you to have a relationship with your grandchild but that you have tried to have one. Once you show you have a relationship or that you haven’t been allowed to have one, you must then show it is in the “best interests” of the child to visit with you.
What does “best interests” mean?
There is no one way to define this. The court will look at what you’ve done to be part of your grandchild’s life. Did you call, visit, and spend time with your grandchild? Do you know what your grandchild likes? Do you help your grandchild with school or try to help him or her learn? Did your grandchild enjoy time with you?
Do the parents have to be divorced or no longer together for me to go to court to seek visitation with my grandchildren?
No. A court can order visitation even when parents are together with the children if the parents won’t let the grandparents visit the grandchild
How do I show I have a relationship with my grandchild if the parents won’t let me spend
time with my grandchild?
You must show that you’ve made enough of an effort to try to have a relationship with your grandchild.
The court may look at several things to find out whether or not you’ve done this. You can do this by
sending them birthday cards or gifts. You can write them letters. You can call them and try to let them
know that you love them. Do your best to say good things about the parents, even if you are not getting
along. Do not make your grandchildren feel like they have to choose between their parents or
grandparents. The court wants to see that the child won’t be harmed by visiting with you.
What if the parents are strongly opposed to my seeing my grandchildren?
This is not enough. The court will consider what the parents want and will look at why the parents don’t
want you to visit with the child. The court may look at what has happened between you and the parents.
Each case is different and you should speak to an attorney if you are unsure about your case.
"For the first time, separating parents will be expected to ensure grandparents continue to have a role in the lives of their children after they split up. Parenting Agreements will be drawn up that explicitly set out contact arrangements for grandparents. These can then be used as evidence in court if a mother or father goes back on the deal."