The Truth Behind Who "WINS" A Custody Case


by Wendy Archer

Written by Wendy Archer

Organizer & Host of Bubbles of LOVE Day DFW

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The truth about litigation and the conduct of family court judges is not pretty. In fact the truth is so downright ugly that it is literally unbelievable to most people who have not experienced it firsthand. Most of us were raised to believe that our justice system ensures that in the end justice is served. Of course we know that there is misconduct and even corruption in some situations but surely that would not be true in cases involving child abuse, so we assume. Everyone knows that child abusers are considered to be on the on the lowest rung of the ladder in any and all social groups and surely no judge would knowingly and intentionally put a child into the hands of an abuser, right? Wrong. In fact, grossly wrong.

The truth is that child abusers are awarded full custody of the children they abuse on a regular basis and in many situations the family court judges KNOW they are putting these children into the hands of their abusers.

Unbelievable? YES. True? YES. But HOW and WHY can this possibly be true you must be wondering if you are one of the lucky few who has not witnessed this very sick operation of our family court system.

The HOW and WHY can usually be boiled down to a few simple factors. FINANCIAL AND POLITICAL MOTIVATIONS.

One very common scenario is as follows...

There is a couple who has been divorced for several years. They share exactly equal parenting time per court orders, an exact 50/50 split of time. One parent is extremely narcissistic, very emotionally abusive and unusually wealthy. The other parent is mild mannered, compliant and very financially poor. The extremes between the two parents' personality traits and financial situations make the conditions right for a contentious custody issue to surface at any time, especially if the differences become more and more extreme over time. 

Narcissist personalities have an unbridled sense of entitlement. If they want it, they feel entitled to it. Period. Narcissistic personalities also lack any fear of consequences, including consequences as serious as jail time. When these traits are combined with unlimited financial resources, the results can be horrifying. For example, if a narcissistic and wealthy parent decides they want to violate court orders and withhold a child from the other parent they will do so with bold entitlement and without fear of any consequences. In fact they will probably even act proud of their illegal and unethical actions. This happens all too frequently. It seems the remedy would be simple in that the victim parent would seek legal assistance and the parent in violation of court orders would be swiftly corrected and punished by a family court judge.

Shockingly and sadly, that is not the reality of what most often happens. After attempting to beg, plead and reason with the narcissistic parent to stop violating court orders, the victim parent usually does hire an attorney and naively assumes that a family court judge will act swiftly with integrity. After all, that's what the family court judges are there for. Little does the victim parent know that the outcome of the case might very well have nothing at all to do with laws or ethics or what is in "the best interest of the children." With the "right attorneys" and unlimited financial resources, the narcissistic parent can and very often does ultimately purchase custody of the children.

Even in situations where it is 100% documented and 100% indisputable that the children have been abused by this person AND that the victim parent is the only mentally healthy and safe parent...even confirmed by the unbiased and objective expert opinions of doctors who have evaluated the children and even confirmed by the abuser's own admission... it is not only possible but likely the narcissistic wealthy abusive parent will obtain full custody of the children. The narcissistic parent will use their most coveted skills and weapons; charming people and money. The abusive parent's narcissistic skills combined with the legal tactic of financially and emotionally destroying the victim parent during litigation is very effective. With their financial resources, the narcissistic parent can hire a literal army of attorneys and you can be certain that they will hire attorneys who have very close relationships with the judge and are most likely some of the judge's top campaign contributors (yes, they really can do that.) This alone will almost assure the narcissistic parent of purchasing custody of their children.

However, narcissists derive intense pleasure out of harming their victims. Therefore, they usually take full advantage of their attorneys' strategy of draining the victim parent of every single penny they have until the victim parent simply has no choice to but sign a "settlement" under extreme duress.

Remember, the victim parent had little or no money to begin with. With the help of their "judge friendly" attorneys and the judge it's only a matter of time before the narcissistic parent has the victim parent financially devastated to the point where they literally can't provide food, clothing or shelter for the children. Many of these victim parents lose everything, every cent they ever saved and even their homes. Their credit is destroyed. They literally can't buy food or clothing for the children and must resort to assistance from various organizations to survive.

Again, this destruction of the victim parent is an INTENTIONAL ACT by the narcissistic parent.

The narcissistic parent WANTS to make the victim parent unable to provide food and clothing and shelter for their own children. 

The narcissistic parent has the power to stop this cruelty against their own children at any time. 

When the situation reaches this point of crisis, the victim parent simply has no choice but to face the fact that if they continue with litigation that they WILL end up homeless and unable to provide ANYTHING for their children including food. It is at this well-timed point of the planned attack that the narcissistic parent will present a "settlement offer" to the victim parent, knowing that the victim parent literally has no choice but to sign what in truth is a cruel and abusive ultimatum. 

The narcissistic parent will take full advantage of the situation to ensure that the new modified orders will solidify their ability to abuse the children with provisions such as giving the abusive parent "exclusive psychological control of the children" and "exclusive educational decision making." 

The abusive parent realizes that this is their opportunity to have it "ordered" that they can abuse their children, even going so far as to make it clear that they want it ordered that they can have 'full mind control' over their children.

Again, these are situations in which it has been indisputably proven by all parties and witnesses that the narcissistic parent is abusing the children and that the victim parent is the only mentally healthy and safe parent.

What are some SIGNS that this might have occurred in a situation?

One sign is that although there might be rumors circulating that the victim parent is "crazy" or "bad" no one who actually KNOWS the victim parent has anything negative to say about that parent. Another sign is that the narcissistic parent will be very eager to make statements such as "I won custody of the kids" or "My ex lost custody of the kids" and they will be sure to add "The judge gave me full psychological control and educational decision making so that proves my ex is unfit." The narcissistic parent will not reveal the truth that no one "won custody" or "lost custody" nor will they reveal that the judge did not "order" anything. The narcissistic parent will not reveal the truth that they and their attorneys orchestrated a very skilled and very vicious attack of destruction against the other parent which resulted in the victim parent having no choice but to sign a so-called "settlement" which resulted in these cruelties against the victim parent and their own children. Instead of making assumptions based on rumors or relying on the charms of the parent who claims to have "won custody" ask honest people with integrity who truly know BOTH parents well. 

You could very well find that you are among the many people that has been charmed by a narcissistic abusive parent. Of course, public documents can also be very revealing. A financially poor victim parent simply doesn't have enough money to file false or frivolous legal actions. You can be quite confident that if a financially poor victim parent hired an attorney and filed contempt charges and such, that the filings are honest and accurate.

What can YOU do if you find you have been "duped" by a narcissistic abusive parent?

The first thing you can and should do is cut ties with the narcissistic abusive parent. If you continue to support and encourage their behavior, you are assisting in the abuse of a child. Secondly, do all you can to help that child reconnect with the victim parent. Lastly, if you can bring yourself to do so, reach out to the victim parent to express your regret for any unfair and cruel judgement or behavior on your part. Offer the victim parent your sympathy and support. The victim parent knows better than anyone how skilled the narcissistic parent is at charming and fooling people so they are very likely to understand how you were "duped" and to likely forgive you for your actions.

Finally, take some time to learn about the rampant misconduct of family court judges. Family court judges acting with egregious misconduct is a global epidemic. Abused children are being further victimized by unethical family court judges. Speak out against this cruelty. 

 Our family courts are not operating as a "justice system" but are operating as an INJUSTICE SYSTEM. Remember, this is very common and is likely to happen to you or someone you care about.


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